March 16, 2015

The most beautiful kind

I was driving the other day when a word popped into my head. As a chronic over thinker, this isn't an uncommon scenario. Still yet, this one reverberated in my head a considerable amount more than I'm used to.

You see, by most accounts, the word itself was pretty unassuming. 6 letters. Three syllables. No. big. deal. 

Except that I found this one word. These six letters. These 3 syllables, to be the very definition of myself. The very definition I will give my daughter when she asks about her home. They're the very definition of everyone facing struggles right now. The definition of our society. The definition of my  friends, my family members, my colleagues. The definition of my neighbor, of your neighbor. The definition of you. 

This word symbolizes something so incredible. We, as a people, symbolize something so incredible. Much like the conventional definition of the word, we are made of a wide variety of materials. Materials that in our case come from circumstances, experiences, and maybe even a little bit of fate. We're made from trial and error. From pre-planning and of spur of the moment decisions. We're strengthened by hard work, and softened by love and passion. We're defined by our own perfectly imperfect flaws and wonderfully unique differences. 

Most fascinatingly though, while we are made of mostly broken pieces we remain very much unbroken as a whole.
You and I. We, are mosaics, and the most beautiful kind I could imagine. 

The terrifying and the utterly astounding.

When I sat down to write the letter to my daughter's father, I couldn't help to also think about the man I'll end up spending forever with. I thought about just how blessed I'll be to find a man to accept not only me, but my daughter as well. I thought about how many things I want to tell him. I thought about how many things I needed him to know about me before he made that decision, so I decided to write him a letter too...

My dearest man, mi rey, mon amour,
I'm not sure there are eloquent enough words or coherent enough thoughts to properly express my feelings. Our relationship will be full of spontaneous, crazy, passionate, half thought out, but full of good intent moments, so we might as well begin it that way, too.
I need you to know that I wasn't the girl that dreamed of a fairytale wedding. I wasn't the girl that ever believed in the happily ever after. No, I was the little girl that knew the reality of broken marriages. I was the little girl that knew very early on that a happy marriage took a whole lot more than just love. 
I need you to know though that even with my experiences, I'm not broken. I do not need a fixer. In fact, I do not need a man at all. I need you to know that if I have chosen to spend my time with you, it is because I want to. 
I need you to know that I have a daughter, and she has a father. I need you to know that I will always love him as her father, but that it is a separate love that could never compete with the love I know I will feel for you. 
I need you to know that if we have children together, or if you have one of your own already, they're all the same in my eyes. My love is unwavering for each and every single one. 
I need you to know that while I am a mother, first, it isn't my only identity. 
I need you to know that I might not be a 10 (or even a 5) when I wake up in the mornings, but I promise for us I won't stop taking care of myself. 
I need you to know that I cry. A lot. When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. When I read, when I watch movies, when I listen to music. I feel everything, deeply. 
I need you to know that even when I cry, I'm okay. Sometimes a girl just needs to cry. Let me. We'll laugh about it afterwards. 
I need you to know that we're going to argue sometimes. I need you to know that I'm going to take 5 minutes to calm down before I can talk about it. I need you to know that my nose flares when I get really angry, so you'll have fair warning before I reach my boiling point. 
I need you to know that I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite this, I need you to know that I don't expect you to live up to an unrealistic fairytale version of romance, I just need you to try your best. 
Most importantly, I need you to know, we're in this together. The good. The bad. The funny. The sad. The ugly. The desperate. The terrifying. The utterly astounding. It's all for us to share. 
It's all for us to share, forever