January 27, 2015

150%

"I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don't know what gray is. I never did."

If there was a single quote that perfectly described me, that right there would be the one. I truly don't know what that middle ground is. I've always chosen to do everything 150%, or not do it at all.
Naturally, when it comes to loving people, the same rule applies.
It was a trait I used to apologize for too, like the abundance of love I wanted to give was somehow a burden to the people I wanted to give it to. If I'm being honest here though, most of the time it probably was.

I say this because the love I was giving wasn't a selfless love. It was a desperate love.
It was me giving 100%,  and settling being excited for 10% back, love.
It was love that I paid a price a for. Love I bought with a pair of Jordan's and expensive lingerie.
It was love that no matter how much I spent trying to buy it, I still felt cheap.

I romanticized (which is really just a fancy way of saying "made excuses for") every roadblock I encountered. If the guy claimed he didn't want a relationship, I believed it was because he had walls I needed to knock down. If he said the relationship was over, I thought it was only because he loved me so much it scared him away. If he couldn't stay faithful, I just knew it was because he needed someone to make him a better man, and I was happy to be the girl for the job. I refused to take no for an answer. I refused to let the relationships go. I put myself on the wrong side of desperation more times than I would ever fess up to.

Meanwhile, I blared "Independent Women" and sang every word. I sat around silently judging the recent divorcee with no education, no job experience, and no money of her own, for being so dependent on another person. I made myself so intent on never physically or financially needing a man, that I failed to see I was dependent on one for the most valuable thing. My emotional stability.

I wish I could tell you that after this revelation I found my happily ever. I wish I could tell you that if you're in the same boat all of your suffering will be worth it. I wish I could tell you your prince charming will come riding in, but I don't know that. I wish I could. I wish I did.

What I can tell you though, is that when you don't love yourself, you end up with people that don't love you either. I can tell you that it's pretty easy to know your worth, but just knowing it isn't enough. You have to demand what you're worth and not settle for anything less. I can tell you that even though you will lose some suitors this way, you will gain ones that are worth your time. I can tell you that no matter how scary it is to be alone, nothing is scarier than being in a relationship where you're the only one praying for it to succeed.

Finally, I can tell you that if you're brave enough to say goodbye, life might just be kind enough to reward you with a better hello.

3 comments:

  1. This is me. Perfectly stated. Beautifully written. Honest. Love it!!

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  2. I can relate to this completely! It is easy for me to have it all together on the outside but inside I have emotional dependency issues. You did a wonderful job expressing your feeling here.

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