January 27, 2015

150%

"I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don't know what gray is. I never did."

If there was a single quote that perfectly described me, that right there would be the one. I truly don't know what that middle ground is. I've always chosen to do everything 150%, or not do it at all.
Naturally, when it comes to loving people, the same rule applies.
It was a trait I used to apologize for too, like the abundance of love I wanted to give was somehow a burden to the people I wanted to give it to. If I'm being honest here though, most of the time it probably was.

I say this because the love I was giving wasn't a selfless love. It was a desperate love.
It was me giving 100%,  and settling being excited for 10% back, love.
It was love that I paid a price a for. Love I bought with a pair of Jordan's and expensive lingerie.
It was love that no matter how much I spent trying to buy it, I still felt cheap.

I romanticized (which is really just a fancy way of saying "made excuses for") every roadblock I encountered. If the guy claimed he didn't want a relationship, I believed it was because he had walls I needed to knock down. If he said the relationship was over, I thought it was only because he loved me so much it scared him away. If he couldn't stay faithful, I just knew it was because he needed someone to make him a better man, and I was happy to be the girl for the job. I refused to take no for an answer. I refused to let the relationships go. I put myself on the wrong side of desperation more times than I would ever fess up to.

Meanwhile, I blared "Independent Women" and sang every word. I sat around silently judging the recent divorcee with no education, no job experience, and no money of her own, for being so dependent on another person. I made myself so intent on never physically or financially needing a man, that I failed to see I was dependent on one for the most valuable thing. My emotional stability.

I wish I could tell you that after this revelation I found my happily ever. I wish I could tell you that if you're in the same boat all of your suffering will be worth it. I wish I could tell you your prince charming will come riding in, but I don't know that. I wish I could. I wish I did.

What I can tell you though, is that when you don't love yourself, you end up with people that don't love you either. I can tell you that it's pretty easy to know your worth, but just knowing it isn't enough. You have to demand what you're worth and not settle for anything less. I can tell you that even though you will lose some suitors this way, you will gain ones that are worth your time. I can tell you that no matter how scary it is to be alone, nothing is scarier than being in a relationship where you're the only one praying for it to succeed.

Finally, I can tell you that if you're brave enough to say goodbye, life might just be kind enough to reward you with a better hello.

January 21, 2015

Revolving Doors

I’ve heard many quotes about happiness. I’ve seen them turned into beautiful images, too. You know the ones. The photographer had the perfect lighting, the quote is written in expert calligraphy, bright pink peonies are beside the sheet of paper on the Ikea table. It visually appeals to our senses. We pin it, Instagram it, heck, even let it define our outlook on life that day. That day. Because tomorrow there is always a new problem. Hair that won’t cooperate, makeup that never matches any of those popular tutorials, insane traffic on the way to work, nothing but commercials on the radio, and then to top it off there’s a tweet from a high school acquaintance with a screen shot of the “Good morning, Beautiful” text she got from her boyfriend while you’re sitting there with a phone drier than the Sahara. #firstworldproblems
Let me stop right here and tell you where this is headed. SPOILER ALERT. Your happiness CANNOT come from anyone but YOU. It cannot be defined by anyone else’s actions. It cannot revolve around anyone else’s universe, and let me tell you why. That kind of happiness is a revolving door that WILL come back and smack you in the face every.single.time you let it.
I want to focus one of the larger culprit’s in today’s world. L.O.V.E. Because relationships weren’t hard enough already, now we have a worldwide platform that allows us to broadcast the goings on of our significant others and our relationships with them. Not only does it allow that, but it allows us to cherry pick the things we choose to share.
All of a sudden just getting down on one knee with genuine heartfelt words isn’t good enough. Now we need flash mobs. We need a rented out ballpark and the New York Symphony. We need every friend we’ve ever had, flown in to surprise us. It doesn’t start or stop there either. A box of chocolates and a heartfelt card doesn’t cut it for Cupid’s holiday anymore. You can forget those conversation hearts, too. We need 1,000 roses. We need a hotel reservation at the Ritz. We need a private fireworks show and your left pinky toe.
Where does it stop?

Why does our happiness depend so much on making sure that our experiences measure up to people that at the end of the day, don't actually matter.
We are robbing ourselves. Every. Single. Day. You and I are robbing ourselves.

We are stealing our own joy, our own happiness, our own passion and zest for life.
You can make it stop.

There is no greater way to achieve that than celebrating all of life’s victories like we’re a Williams’ sister at one of the Open’s. Small or large, the good things in life are the things we should be focusing on.
The Wonderful World of Pinterest- April 2014 | My So Called Crafty Life

Your hair might need to be dyed. It might be too thin to hold curls. It might be constantly greasy. BUT you have hair.
He might not have told you “Good morning, Beautiful”, BUT he took the trash out last night. He might not have gotten you diamond earrings, but he made sure your child had diapers.
You might have people drive slowly in the left lane all the way to work, BUT you have a job to be driving to. (I’m talking to myself here)
I could go on and on, really I could I’m a natural talker, but the point is we HAVE to start focusing on the positives. They are there. You might not want to see them. It might be easier to play life’s victim sometimes, but they ARE there.
If there is something that changes your outlook on life, even if it is just for today, let is be this:
“Life isn't about having, it's about being. You could surround yourself with all that money can buy, and you'd still be as miserable as a human can be … When you look for happiness in mere objects, they are never enough. Look around. Look within.” - Nick Vujicic